I have written and deleted this entry multiple times. Haha I'm serious, ahhh where do I start?! Beginnings are usually something I excel at, heck I scored Activator as my top strength in the Strengths Finders test but finding something to say after a nearly five year hiatus is somewhat intimidating but i'm sure going to try.
Blogging used to be a passion of mine. For a moment there, a long one, it held its place in my heart as a necessity. Truthfully it was a great outlet emotionally and socially but then it got weird. Comparison set in, striving to be something other than myself and then the bullying started. Eek, internet bullies are worse than the teenage girls who put gum in my hair and dead cockroaches in my locker. I'd take those girls over some of the nasty internet trolls any day!! Of course I got hurt and insecure and felt like I wasn't welcomed anymore? Junior High a l l over again and that didn't interest me. So naturally it became an emotional leach and I decided to walk away from it entirely to start our family, pretty much in secrecy. The fantasy of being a blogging mama documenting our lives and my babies cute antics wouldn't be a reality and I was sad about it.
Going through infertility was exasperating and emotionally draining enough but then to begin the process of Foster Care where everything is so confidential, we were forbidden to share
a n y t h i n g about our kiddos and because of that I clammed up and withdrew into a shell. What was supposed to be the most joyful time of my life, becoming a mother, turned out to be the most depressing. I felt alone and hidden and all the words dried up. Emotions shrieked and shriveled all at the same time and the outlet I was accustomed to using to process such emotions was something I couldn't use anymore. Looking back over the past four years I sort of disappeared into something else, someone else and I'm only now beginning to see it. The morphing from unattached wanting mother to instant mom of three fully responsible and overwhelmed seemed to cause a silence in me. Bex had to give way to Mama and making the two meet is something I have only recently felt a longing to do. Can you miss yourself? Is it possible to have a longing for companionship with your own person? Because if it is I think I'm there.
A l l that to say here I am. I've made a few attempts to begin again but they all fell short. Mostly because I was comparing myself to my past self but ultimately and honestly I'm in a place where I just don't know who I am anymore. As difficult as it is to admit its true. Somewhere over the past four years I lost me. Lost me in diapers, and in chores and businesses and all sorts of things that took from me but didn't give back all to the point of emptiness. You can't blog if you don't know who you are, what will you say?
My suspicion is the finding of myself is a slow and steady process. One that will occur the more I open up and share. Share about all the areas of my life and lifestyle. This time with blinders on to the negatives breathing in deeply only the positive. Take this as a start, be it a flimsy, timid and trying start but never the less it's a start. This is me taking one shaky step of faith and saying
I w a n t t h i s! This tiny piece of myself, I want it restored. I don't know what these pages will hold or where they'll lead but I'm willing and ready to start again, for me.